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I Almost Lost Myself After Losing A Job
dymond philips • Jul 26, 2021
As you can probably tell, I haven’t been blogging like I should, all July. The month started off great. I went to LA to bartend at my dad’s new restaurant. While I was there, I was trying new foods and even gifted myself a designer handbag and shoes. Not to say that material things are everything, but it felt good to be able to buy them for myself. I knew, things were going to continue to elevate from my luxurious trip. However, when I came home, everything went downhill. A few hours after I landed, my manager texted me to schedule a zoom meeting to chat the next day. It was odd, because we never talk over zoom, and I was supposed to work that day, but whatever. The next day, our meeting concluded and I was told to wait for the call for when I can return. It was strange, I felt bamboozled, but she reassured me I had nothing to worry about. The next day, our power went out, after a thunder storm. The first night, we stayed home in hopes of it returning the next morning. Unfortunately, the next morning, we still had no luck. We ended up checking into a hotel and being there for two nights. The fourth day, our power turned back on. My family, left for a trip to Florida and I was home alone. I was sitting in my room in silence and began to spiral. At this point I hadn’t returned to work in a week. I was waiting on a phone call from my manager, but that phone call never came. I began to talk down to myself. If you know me, you know I was over this job. I was ready to leave but wanted to wait until December. I always felt out of place while I was there. I felt like a failure. I felt tricked and bamboozled by my managers. How could a job that I had done so much for just leave me out in the dark. I’m a planner, I live my life organized and planned. This hiccup, was nowhere in my plans. How could this happen to me. Mind you, I technically wasn’t fired, I was just waiting in limbo. Thankfully, I still bartend three nights a week, and was able to pick up some shifts while this was happening. I felt myself mentally falling to a broken place. Even though I didn’t like my job, I had security in it. My friends had realized that I was off, and told me not to worry about it, they reminded me that I didn’t want the job anyway. Even though I didn’t want the job, I wasn’t prepared to let go of it. I felt like I was going through a storm, and it didn’t help that it was raining nonstop. I’m a person who needs some sunlight to help my mood. When it’s raining and cloudy, I tend to be in my own head. The first few days were fine, I had my mom around to push me out the house. But when she was gone I spent three days in the house literally in my own head. One day, I said to myself enough is enough, you have to shake this. The minute I stopped looking at God, and started thinking I had the plan for my life, I lost.
Rewind back to the day I had a meeting with my manager via zoom. That same day, a woman reached out to me, completely out the blue, to offer me a position at her company. I had interviewed with her last year, but the pay they offered wasn’t what I was looking for. She told me about a new position opening up, with more money. At first, I didn’t care about it, because I had that other stuff going on. It wasn’t until a conversation with my mom, that I realized the blessing in it. The same day I “lost” my job, God blessed me with the opportunity for a new one.
When I was shaking myself out of the funk I was in, I started to journal. In my journaling, I had to unpack why I was feeling how I was. I didn’t work for a week, but financially I was still good. In fact, I was still making money. I honestly didn’t love the job, so I wasn’t sad that I would no longer be working there. If it wasn’t the money and it wasn’t the job itself, why did I care so much? I looked at my short and long term goals. The job was working, although it was helping my financially goals I have, wasn’t aligned with my goals I had, so it wasn’t helping me get closer to them. During my quiet time, I realized that it was my pride that was crushed. I felt like, how could they do this to me. They were toying with me like I was a child. It would’ve been better, if they would’ve just fired me. Honestly, they had been moving weird for weeks, so it makes sense. Journaling, meditating, praying and just being still, helped me pull myself out of the dark place I was heading to. Along with having family and friends who cared about me. You have to speak life into yourself, even when you don’t feel like it.
I say all this to say, it’s ok to fall off. It’s ok to allow yourself to feel the feels, but you have to snap out of it. In life, things are going to happen, it’s how you react to them that affect you. Also, the people you have around you, can pull you up, or push you down. If I didn’t have friends to push me, I don’t know how long I would’ve lasted in the funk. Lastly, your thoughts are so powerful. You have to control what you think about and focus on. I’m happy to say, I’m feeling much better now. I started my new job, and honestly love it. I’m back to feeling like myself again. I’m operating out of a place of pure gratitude. It’s crazy how amazing life can be, if you operate out of thankfulness.
