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When To Let Go
dymond phillips • May 30, 2017
I met the love of my life when I was 16, or so I thought. If you knew me in High School, you knew him, you knew us. My relationship was very public and it seemed like everyone knew my relationship better than I did. When we first met I liked him but then I changed my mind, he was goofball who made weird noises and wanted to make everyone laugh. The class clown if you will, I'm a very serious person at times and goofy is too much for me. Anyways he's a goofball I didn't like that. Sadly I changed my mind and decided to date him. He was my first boyfriend, my first ‘real’ kiss, my first everything, including heart break. He made me feel special but terrible all at the same time. I spent nights lying in bed crying, wondering why I wasn't good enough? Why didn't he just want me? Why does he want everyone but me? Why me? Why did he choose my life to mess up? My heart to break? My self esteem was shook. I was numb.
All throughout high school girls were popping up out of nowhere telling me about my boyfriend and what he was doing, who he was with, all types of mess. Yet I still stayed with him. I let him cheat and lie to me over and over and over again, and every time he told me he loved me like an idiot I believed him. When he kissed me and told me I was the only one, I believed him. When he hugged me and told me he wanted to marry me, I believed him. I gave him my love, time, and even money. I gave him everything I had to give at 16. 17, 18, 19 and even 20 years old. He was never without, he never wanted for anything and I still was not enough.
So you may be asking yourself if this is how you felt why stay with him? Why put yourself thru the motions for a boy who didn't treat you right. Well, ‘love’ is a crazy thing and it makes you do crazy things, at least that's what I told myself. In my head when you ‘love’ someone you’ll do anything for them even if it meant waiting for him to grow up and to be the man I knew he could be, I was willing to wait until he did this. I waited for almost four years, telling myself we’re young he’ll come around. I don't know what came over me, I don't know when I decided I had enough, but I was done mentally before I was done physically. The lying, cheating, and the attitudes all left me numb. All those people telling me how cute we were and they want to come to our wedding had no idea what I had gone thru. How mentally messed up I was for being with this guy for so long, never feeling good enough, not understanding what these other girls had that I didn't. I was and still kind of am so messed up when it comes to relationships and guys because of him. Here I am five months after our break up and I'm okay. There are days when I miss him, well not him I miss having someone to talk to at night, and to tell about my day. I find myself wanting to call him when good things happen to me, like when I got a new job back in March, or when bad things happen like when I got fired from that same job about two weeks ago. He was my person when it seemed like all my friends had left my side, during my darkest days, during my lowest points he was there. He was my best friend and I miss him so much some days, but my mental stability, and self esteem are way more important than a relationship with him of any kind. He's not completely cut off from my life, due to the relationships I've made because of him, but having him as a boyfriend will probably never happen again. Hold tight we’re coming to a close now.
If you’re reading this and you’re in a similar situation, please know that someone who loves will not hurt you. Someone who loves you wont make you feel like you’ll never be good enough for them. You are more than good enough for them for anybody. Matter of fact you're too damn good for them. You are beautiful, and smart don't let a male or female make you feel like you’re not. Let them go and love yourself. Thats what I had to do and I’m so much happier because of it.
