Can You Honestly Say You Really Love Yourself?

Self-Love Is More Than A Trend, It’s Constant Work 

Self-love is talked about so much. People are always saying to love yourself, and have confidence in who you are. That’s easier said than done, if I’m being honest. We live in a world where it’s so many things coming at us at once. Before social media, the beauty standards were set by magazines, and TV. There has always been influences from outside sources dictating the standards. Confidence truly does come from within, but I’m not going to sit here and act as if outside influences don’t affect that. I feel for these young girls who are going through their awkward phases, while growing up on social media. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, everybody has an “ugly” phase. Our childhood experiences shape our outlooks on the world and relationships as adults. That’s one reason I signed up for therapy, because I wanted to get a better understanding on why I responded to things the way I did/do.

Self-love has become a trend, but it’s something that everyone has to work through. Self-love comes from being confident with knowing who/whose you are and owning your truths. Until you know who you are, it’s very hard to truly love yourself. Knowing yourself is a never ending journey. I still learn new things about myself daily. Last week, I went to Cabo for my mom‘s birthday, and I had such a beautiful time. If you know me, you know, I love to travel. Most people love to sit by the pool, and soak up sun. For years, I struggled with this, and I never truly knew why. It wasn’t until I had a conversation with my mom, where she reminded me of something that I had forgotten. When I was a child, I would avoid the sun at all costs, because I didn’t want to get darker. Naturally, I'm a brown skinned woman, but in sun, I can get chocolate. I think as a child I wanted so desperately to be liked. The thing that the people around me liked, was what society deemed “beautiful,” which was what was shown on TV. My mother and grandmother were both brown skinned women, and told me I was beautiful my whole life, they affirmed me daily. When I would go into the world, I saw the lighter skinned girls getting treated better. I used to be a little boy crazy as a kid; the boys I liked always liked lighter girls. I used to want to be on TV, and all the girls on TV that were black, were lighter skinned. Of course, I saw successful women in my family, but the ones doing what I wanted were all lighter. I know this mentality goes back so many years from slavery and before, but it was a struggle for me. I would get compliments, of course, from friends and family, and even some boys, but it wasn’t enough. Wanting to be liked and people pleasing are some things that I’m working thru in therapy, but they stem from my childhood. I remember back in high school, a boy told me he would never date me, because I wasn’t light-skinned. Here I am at 26 thinking that I had outgrown these ways of thinking, but my actions showed that I hadn’t. Subconsciously, I wouldn’t sit in the sun on vacations because of the thoughts I had as a child. 

While I was in Cabo, I sat by the sun, and it was the most relaxing and liberating thing. I didn’t think twice about getting too dark, and just allowed myself to be present in the moment. By the time I got back to my room, I realized that I had a deep suntan, and rather than being sad, I was excited. If I was younger, I would’ve cried about it. In that moment, I recognized my growth. I owe it to that little girl in me to embrace my skin tone, no matter the complexion, because I am beautiful. I had an epiphany and just thought wow how I’ve grown and how times have changed. I’m so glad that little brown skinned girls get to see representations of themselves now via social media, tv and even movies. I just watched the trailer of a black Little Mermaid, with Halle Bailey, coming out next week and it made me so emotional. That’s why it’s important to have representation in every career field and occupations. Although, I was told how beautiful I was my entire life, I still struggled with self love as an adult. I always thought I loved myself, but this was an area that I had been struggling with. The road to healing is not always easy, it will show you things that you thought were insignificant. It’s true, your childhood truly shapes your adulthood. There’s so many things that I have to heal within for the little girl in me; in order to become the woman I’ve always dreamed to be. I challenge you to sit and reflect with yourself. If you can, reach out to a therapist or counselor to help you with this. It’s 2023 and we are on the road to healing and being whole. The younger version of you, that lives within, deserves to see you evolve, make yourself proud!

Warning: this journey is messy, but so worth it.