I Realized I Was the Problem in My Friendships

Want to stay connected? I send a weekly Saturday newsletter with personal reflections and new posts. You can subscribe here below.

Looking back, that version of me didn’t understand loyalty, accountability, or what it really meant to show up for someone. And if I’m being honest, I probably hurt her in that moment, and didn’t even fully process it at the time.

It was also hard for me to manage multiple friendships, which is why I went through phases of having just one close friend at a time.

In college, I became more mindful. But it wasn’t until about seven years ago that I made an intentional decision: I wanted to be a better friend.

I used to tell myself, “Everybody is temporary,” and I treated people that way. When I really looked at myself, I realized that mindset had to go. Instead of watching shows like Girlfriends and Insecure and feeling jealous of those friendships, I decided to become the kind of friend I wanted to have. I started treating people the way I wanted to be treated, for real this time.

Practically, that meant showing up. Being vulnerable. Being the kind of villager I wanted in my own village.

When I started therapy almost four years ago, I told my therapist this was still a struggle for me, vulnerability, authenticity, going deeper. I didn’t want surface level friendships anymore. I wanted real connection.

But here’s where I had to be honest with myself. 

I used to pride myself on being an “easy friend.”

You don’t have to call me every day.

You don’t have to check on me.

Do what you want.

Sounds chill, but it wasn’t healthy.

Because while I was going above and beyond for my friends, when they didn’t do the same for me, I’d say “it’s okay,” but it wasn’t. I had hurt feelings that I buried, and it started to eat at me.

When I brought this up in therapy, I realized something hard: I wasn’t the victim, I was the culprit.

I told myself I was “easy” because I thought it would make people like me more. But all it did was teach people not to show up for me.

And the truth is, somewhere along the way, we’ve lost what it really means to be a good friend, to be a good villager.

Society tells us life should be convenient.

Only do what you feel like doing. Protect your peace at all costs.

And yes, boundaries matter. But friendship? Real friendship? It will never be 100% convenient.

You won’t always feel like going.

You won’t always feel like calling.

You won’t always feel like showing up.

But sometimes being a good friend means doing it anyway. Not out of obligation, but out of love.

I’m not saying pour from an empty cup. But I am saying: show up the way you want people to show up for you.

You can’t complain about not having a village if you’re not being a good villager.

For me, that meant being intentional. Showing up when I didn’t feel like it. Celebrating my friends, big and small moments. Picking up the phone just to check in. Flying in for special moments that my friends have. Being thoughtful. Being present.

Of course, I’m human, I can’t make everything.

But I make the effort.

And I stopped letting social media trick me into thinking I knew how my friends were doing just because I watched their stories. I started actually checking in.

Friendship in my teens looked different than friendship in my 20s. And if I’m being real, friendship at 29 looks nothing like it did at 21.

We evolve, and our friendships have to evolve with us.

It used to be easy to walk down the hall to a dorm room. Now it takes planning, effort, sometimes even a flight. But that’s what being a friend requires.

When I look at my life now, I feel so grateful. I have friendships all over the world.

Some I talk to weekly. Some maybe once a quarter.

But the one thing that stays consistent? I show up.

I’m intentional about seeing my friends. For example, I have friends in Miami that I try to see at least once a year. So when I’m planning travel, I factor them in.

Last year, I had a layover in Miami. Did I feel like going out? Honestly… no.

But I still showed up.

And I’m so glad I did, because it turned into a night full of laughter, connection, and memories I’ll never forget.

When I look at the people in my life now, I don’t take them for granted. Every friendship serves a different purpose, but they’re all meaningful, and that didn’t happen by accident.

It took work. And it still takes work.

We live in a world that tells us: “Focus on yourself.” “Don’t inconvenience yourself.” “Stay comfortable.”

But the truth is, we’re losing the essence of community for the sake of convenience. And if you believe in God like I do, then you know, we weren’t created to do life alone.

Yes, there are seasons of isolation. But there are also seasons where you’re called to show up. Even in my quiet seasons, I still try to check on my people.

And now? My friends show up for me.

They support me.

They check on me.

They celebrate me.

I can be vulnerable. I can be open. And that didn’t come easy, but it came through doing the work. And I don’t just receive that, I give it too.

I push my friends to be better, and they push me. I support them in their endeavors. I check on them, and I do real mental check ins, not just surface level conversations, but actually asking how they’re doing and meaning it.

I hold my friends accountable, because I’ve learned that love is honest. For a long time, I thought being a good friend meant being a “yes” person, keeping things light, avoiding hard conversations, not wanting to rock the boat. But real friendship isn’t about always agreeing or staying comfortable.

It’s about telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about speaking up, communicating clearly, and being willing to have the hard conversations that actually deepen the relationship.

I had to learn how to be a better communicator, not just saying what sounds good, but saying what’s real. And that shift alone changed the quality of my friendships.

So let me ask you something:

Do you feel like you have solid friendships?

Or do you feel alone?

And if you’re being honest, Are you a good steward over the people God has placed in your life?

I want to challenge you. For the next 90 days, be a villager. Set reminders if you need to. Call your friends. Check in. Make plans.

And remember, it doesn’t have to cost money.

It can be sitting on the couch watching a movie.

A FaceTime call. A quick “I’m thinking about you” text. It’s the consistency that matters.

Everything changed for me when I stopped telling myself the lie that I didn’t need friends.

Because I do.

My friendships have been a guiding light in my life. They’ve held me up in my lowest moments and spoken life into me when I needed it most.

So maybe you’re like I was, telling yourself you don’t need friends. Or saying you don’t have any.

But maybe, the truth is something else. Maybe you just haven’t been the kind of friend you’re praying for.

And here’s the part I really want you to sit with: You don’t build a village by waiting for one. You build it by becoming one.

So if this spoke to you, don’t just nod your head and move on. Actually take the challenge.

Because your future friendships, the deep, genuine, life giving ones, are on the other side of you deciding to show up.

Start today be the villager