Say What You Mean: Healing From People Pleasing & Learning To Set Boundaries
As a recovering people pleaser, I’m finally learning what it means to say what I mean and why honesty scared me for so long. The deeper I get into therapy, the more I realize how much my people pleasing hurt more than it helped. One of the biggest effects was how hard it was for me to speak my mind.
Let me be honest: this is still something I struggle with daily. But what pushed me to start being honest was asking myself why I wasn’t doing it in the first place. And when I talk about being honest, I don’t mean lying on purpose. Honesty is also about telling the whole truth, not shrinking your voice, and not hiding what you really feel.
Why I Struggled With Speaking My Mind
I hate the word no. It doesn’t feel good, and it brings up all kinds of emotions. Because of that, I projected my discomfort onto others and avoided saying no at all costs. I said yes to everything because I didn’t want others to feel what I felt when I heard no.
But here’s what I had to learn:
When you ask someone something, they have the right to say yes or no. You cannot take their no personally.
In therapy, I told my therapist that no is a “negative word.” She asked why. I said, “Because it’s not what I want to hear.” She gently reminded me that just because it’s not what I want doesn’t make it negative.
I even said, “But Jesus said yes to people when He didn’t feel like it.” And she quickly corrected me: Jesus had boundaries. He was not a yes man then, and He’s not a yes man now. Jesus has no problem telling me no and not carrying the weight of my feelings about it.
No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to over explain it.
When Someone’s Best Isn’t Enough
Another hard lesson was accepting that someone’s best might not be enough for me, and that’s okay. It’s okay to walk away from people, places, or situations that don’t align with who you’re becoming. You don’t owe anyone a paragraph long explanation.
And to be real, I think this generation struggles with commitment. Not just relational commitment, but in life overall. I’m not someone who believes in leaving the second things get hard. Some blessings actually come through pushing through discomfort.
But there’s a difference between discomfort that grows you and misalignment that drains you. If something goes against your core values or the woman you’re becoming… it’s okay to leave.
I’ve stayed in so many situations because I cared more about the other person’s feelings than my own. And that’s not sustainable.
Honesty Helps You and It Helps Others
Being honest isn’t just for them. It’s for you. When you avoid saying how you really feel to protect others, you subconsciously neglect your own emotional needs.
But the other side is this:
You don’t know what your honesty will teach someone.
Sometimes your “yes” becomes their crutch.
Sometimes your silence prevents them from learning the lesson God is trying to teach them.
Sometimes stepping back is the only way they discover what they’re capable of.
Your over helping can hold people back.
Your honesty might be the very thing God uses to grow them.
Stop Trying to Play God in People’s Lives
Trying to play god in the lives of people I love has been one of my biggest struggles and one of the hardest habits to break.
I love helping people. I can help, but I am not the Helper. Sometimes the best help is simply being a listening ear, and praying about it. And honestly, if you’re constantly helping everyone else… when do you help yourself?
We have to stop carrying responsibility that does not belong to us.
A Challenge for This New Season
As we enter this holiday season, the final month of the year, I challenge you to say what you mean and mean what you say. Your voice is powerful. Your truth matters. People need to hear it whether they can handle it or not.
And with this being the last stretch of the year, people are going to be asking for your time, your energy, your presence, and your capacity. This is the perfect moment to get rooted in your “no,” protect your peace, and honor the woman you’re becoming. Saying no now sets the tone for how you walk into the new year.
Love doesn’t hide the truth.
Love doesn’t sugarcoat to avoid discomfort.
Love is honest.
Yes, there’s a kind way to say things but you still have to say them. Avoiding hard conversations leads to one sided anger and frustration.
Where in your life do you need to start saying what you mean?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and journey in the comments.
