Stop Taking Everything So Personal
Struggling With Being Defensive?
Last week, my dad took my family and I to a hockey game. This was my first ever hockey game, and he was able to get his hands on some premium seats. These seats were in the Executive Club and came with such an amazing experience. Even though I’m not a huge hockey fan, I had such a great time. My family and I were talking and it’s something we want to do more. If I would’ve missed this experience, I wouldn’t have known what I was missing. The crazy thing is, I almost missed out on this. I almost allowed my feelings to get in the way. I’ve been replaying it over and over in my head to blame someone else. If I’m being honest, I am the only person at fault. I’m very self-aware, and always looking to better myself. So I took some time to dissect the situation for accountability.
Let me share the situation with you. My family and I were all walking into the private entrance. As we were going through security, I was stopped because my bag was too large. The security woman told me, ”Your bag is too large to come in here.” Now, I purposely wore my smaller crossbody bag, to prevent this from happening, but it did. When the security guard initially said it, I looked at my mom’s bag, and looked at mine, and it was maybe 3 inches larger then. I instantly got defensive and responded, “What am I supposed to do with it.” Both security guards told me that I could either put it in the car, or check it downstairs in the bag area. At this point, I already had an attitude and felt like she was picking on me. I had a whole eye roll going on. My mom asked me what I wanted to do, and I agreed to put it in the car. She came with me to take it back. Luckily, I was able to fit my wallet and lipgloss in my pocket. As we were walking back to the car, I had so many negative thoughts. I was thinking that I would Uber home, or sit in the car and wait for the game to be over. I’m an Aries, so I’m quick to get an attitude and be over it. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve said, forget it to things because things didn’t go my way. I couldn’t act on any of these thoughts, because my mother was with me. So I just put my purse in the car and went back with my family. We walked into this suite and it was stunning. We had our own private bar, with a large food selection and even snacks included. At first, I wasn’t even able to experience it, because I was in my mood over the bag. After I made my plate, and got a drink, I finally started joining in the conversations with my parents. I told them how I initially really wanted to leave, but I’m glad I stayed. My mom responded by saying, “You have to learn to let things roll off your back. No need to hold onto that.” That was not what I wanted to hear in a moment, but it stayed at the top of my mind. After the game, we tried a new restaurant that I had been wanting to go to, and it was really fun. The next morning, as I was journaling, I sat with what my mom had said. The truth is, she was right. The lady wasn’t picking on me, she didn’t have a attitude. She was honestly just doing her job. In the moment, my depiction of what happened was completely negative. I thought she was rude, and honestly just picking on me because I was cute. When the reality was, she wasn’t.
Are you like me, and always getting defensive when someone corrects you, or tells you, you can’t do some thing? I know I can’t be the only one who does this. I brought this up when I was in therapy and my therapist read me this excerpt, “Defensive behaviors have the purpose of distracting you from your feelings of being hurt and feeling shamed. The objective (whether you realize it or not) is to shift attention to the faults of the other person, so that in turn you feel better about yourself in the moment.” She had me go through different areas of my life and pinpoint instances where I get defensive. We learned, that I use defensiveness as a way to be the strong powerful person I have in my head. It’s rooted in me wanting to always have things together. Which ultimately comes from me not wanting to show that I like in any area. Do you know what this is? VULNERABILITY! Now I get it, the hockey game incident wasn’t that deep. But, if I look at other areas of my life, defensiveness is my go to. That’s why I get defensive, I challenge you, if you are, someone like me, to uncover why you get defensive. Because the truth is, it can be multiple reasons why.
I say all this to say, it’s a new year. This year we are going to be our best selves, and in order to get there, we have find out where we currently are, and fix the areas that need fixing. In order to get the success, blessings, and goals accomplished in this season, we are going to have to become different versions of ourselves. Truth is, you taking everything personal, is hindering you. Don’t allow your mind to play these tricks on you. Your feelings are valid, but sometimes you have to check the feelings. Are your feelings rooted in truth or in fiction? Whether that is with other people, or the thoughts and feelings you have about yourself. The first step in growing and evolving is identifying where you are and how you got there! Let’s grow together!
